“Okay! Okay so I got wings. Like Kotex.”
Okay i did not hear this last time.
i am deadYou got Kotex in my Supernatural.
Three Most Common Phrases of…
…my friend who drives a Dodge Stealth!
1) “You party?”
2) “You drift?!”
3) “Tits.”
Most of us who’ve spent regrettable amounts of time researching things that don’t matter (i.e. do not affect our income, work ethic, etc.) know that Return of the Jedi could have been so much more. What with the change of Wookies to ewoks, the noticeable regression of George Lucas’ film student ideology, the rape of Yub Nub from the “final” cut(s), the addition of scenes that are just offensive and extraterrestrially racist, and replacing what Luke knows to be his actual father with his father during the punk rock days (punk rock in the Star Wars universe takes on a different meaning than ours - it includes killing children for them). The following is a list that I couldn’t help but notice while I was desperately trying to justify my existence one Sunday afternoon. Don’t get me wrong, I still watch it and would love to own several ewoks, but, well, god dammit, ya know?
1) We get to see how shitty of a protocol droid C3PO really is - he has literally nothing going for him for about 4 and 1/2 hours at this point and finally he’s given a real chance to prove himself and he does nothing but embarrass our faith in him.
2) Lucas’ shame of the Han Solo character is more than just apparent, but kind of insulting to us. The puppeteers must not have been able to get the facial features right to do a complete substitution.
3) Vader has clearly been reprimanded for killing so many generals in Empire. He really takes a calmer approach in this one. It’s ok though, Lucas will wait 16 years before having Vader suffer his whole life from Low T.
4) Not enough of the space battle. The best part of the movie is the grandiose space battle where the whole rebel fleet faces, on kind of a whim and poor plan, the brass testicles of the imperial fleet. Somebody MUST have told someone else that Lando about his CV.
5) Luke doesn’t go through a strong denial based on sexual attraction when he’s told Leia is his sister. Realistically, Luke’s life is falling into place, he’s Jedi confident, he no longer has to worry about his right hand falling asleep if he sleeps on it wrong, his lightsaber is green now instead of, excuse the term, pussy blue - and now he’s going to a forest moon with a woman who he made out with and has had a crush on for several years (forest moons are the best places to get a squeezer). Now he’s told by a foggy old man that they’re brother and sister - Luke doesn’t even care to pretend that Obi-wan and all the other dead Jedi totally could see them make out.
6) More should be said of Mon Mothma’s emotional trauma and quiet desperation. What? So we’re just supposed to ignore that she just looks like that all the time? She’s so sad…
7) By aging 15 years in only 6, Carrie Fischer has learned time travel and is using it for evil. Nobody’s voice and face change that much in 3 years without heavy drug use, sex, and over indulgence of fame or time travel used for evil.
8) The unsettling lack of concern for the death of many rebels. Han, Luke, and Leia sure didn’t fly to Endor alone - but their attitudes would make you feel differently.
9) There is a surprising lack of voice recognition technology on space ships. I think at the very least they should have a recording of what Han sounds like somewhere within the archives.
10) The supposed Emperor’s best troops on Endor - or the B team of outdoorsmen.
11) Jabba doesn’t have a “black thing”, but he totally should.
12) After C3PO and Luke ruin a perfectly good feast for the ewoks by rescuing themselves from being eaten, along with Han and Chewbacca, what do the ewoks eat? Do they just go back to accepting nuts and grains? No wonder they’re so easy to push around.
13) Burps are apparently funnier than plot holes and new CGI are devastating.
14) War in the Star Wars universe is a strict 9-5 and never takes place after dark.
first three man APY collabo on the music video
“Go Get Your Coats On (Intro)”- Gold Bricks Or Go Home
directed, produced and edited by harvey digital & gold bricks or go home
Word spread quickly to colleges with names like Argosy and Capella, names fit for ancient Greek plebeians. Every day my phone would ring from a new area code with a very pleasant sounding lady on the other end. For some inexplicable reason I started getting calls about completing my Bachelor’s….
Dry Shampoo
Thrill and disgust - that’s what I’m feeling right now as I delve into the joy of dry shampoo.
If you haven’t heard of this magical product, it’s basically powder that you put on your scalp if you don’t have the time or means to actually wash your hair. This is incredibly handy for la Revolución, since I’ll be running far, far away from the rioting, and will not have much access to showers (and the thought of oily hair makes my stomach turn).
So instead of being a filthy hooligan, I can use a mixture of cornstarch, corn meal, baking soda and ground oats to slap on my dome and feel like a human.
Also, the joy that I’ll feel that first time I can finally get really, really clean in a steamy, soap-and-shampoo-filled shower will be all-consuming. So I’ll need a guard at the door. Just to be safe, there should be 2-3 guards at every point of entry. Those ruffians out there can’t be trusted.
Of course, I’m also horrified that this exists, since there is no way that I could ever really feel clean when using this. But hey, maybe it will work.
Or I could just get the clippers out. I’ll probably just get the clippers out.
Football
It’s been a while, but not all of this time has been a total waste. Like right now, I’m watching football, which has a few lessons for the Revopocalypse:
1. If the leader is weak, the team can’t advance. So I’ll need to find a band of folks with a strong leader to ensure survival, or I’ll need to make sure that I look like I know what I’m doing when elevated to that position. (It’s really only a matter of time.)
2. Anyone who opposes my team should be crushed swiftly and painfully. Yeah, I already knew this, but it’s always good to be reminded.
3. No one from Detroit should be trusted with any sort of responsibility.
4. Kickers may be scrawny nerds, but they can be helpful too.
5. Dressing the same and screaming in a large group is less intimidating, and more goofy-looking.
I love football. And since I haven’t been able to kidnap a hobo yet, I’ll take what I can get.
